Clear Sky

Where is that clear sky,
I used to watch as a small fry
Where have gone, those days
When I used to chase, sunny rays
My heart is crying out
Searching for a clear clout
By the blurring tip of a muzzle
Ain’t able to solve this puzzle
Where is my burning desire
Why I am not, on the fire
What made me so sullen suddenly
Things started scaring me stubbornly
Haunting me up and down
Daunting me, making me moan
Where have I lost my moments of joy
Sweetest dreams and fantasy’s toy
Losing my peace and solace smile
In pursuing my dreams all the while
Somewhere, lost my right tunes
In chasing those blasé boons
I wish to dream one more time
Without caring for any more dime
If only I get to that mystic reply
How to reach that clear sky
I used to watch as a small fry

Bye Bye 2009

It’s time to say ‘Good bye’ to the Year 2009. Uhhh one whole year has passed again. Oh my goodness, it seems it passed in a split second. Well, okay let me recall how it had been for me. The beginning of this year was silky and cool. The mid of the year was full of excitements. I’ll cherish all the cheery memories of this wonderful year. The bad experiences were also encountered, but I will remember the good lessons I have learnt from them and all the bad memories will be vanished from my uber cool mind. The end was neither too good nor too bad, I would say it was rather dull, but that’s okay with me as I assume, all the time you can not be on Fire! Overall not a bad Year! Actually, my mind is so jam-packed right now that I am unable to recall all the things happened in this year. It’s always good to have your mind half empty so that you can absorb more knowledge. But uff, I am really not able to recall things properly. Okay let the past be a past and move on. Let us welcome ‘The Year 2010’. Wow I am already so excited about this beautiful new year. This is a year, which is going to be a turning point in my life. This is a kind of “do or die” year for me. As my studies will be finished, this year and then several new and exciting things are lined up to unfold. My family and I will again be on the two opposite directions! But let’s see who will win this cute battle this time. I love to look at life at its best. Life is beautiful. Love it, Enjoy it, Embrace it but never let it be wasted. Have an ever-wonderful year ahead!

Have a GOOD TIME

Oh how much I want to forget this world, and want to dedicate myself to the goals I have set before me. How much I want to remind myself that I have to look at the “Bull’s eye” only and forget everything else. Still there are so many residues in my head, inspite of trying real hard, I have not been able to clear them up. Everyday, I plan and re-plan, but can not follow it quite well. Have already missed two deadlines of some trivial assignments, some short-term goals, but it has started bothering me now. It seems time is running faster than I, and even though I have been trying my level best to catch up it’s pace, I find myself failing miserably. Still hope is there! Can see my deadlines vividly, but find it very difficult to accomplish them. Ah, there is something still clinging in my head, and I have not been strong enough to get rid of it. Even if my conscious mind swears to having understood the clear reality, my unconscious mind has not been able to break itself free from those disturbing shadows of unwanted truths. I am unable to find out an answer, how to remove those complicated residues from my unconscious mind. Sometimes, I feel, may be ‘yoga’ is the answer. As it relaxes our mind, body & soul and helps us in forgetting the complexities of life, but somehow I am not very sure of this Art too. The best thing would be to let this ‘TIME’ pass tranquilly and then gradually my unconscious mind will forget all the nagging doubts. Ah, but there lies the hitch - the ‘TIME’, TIME is running very fast and I have to match its pace! Alright, whatever I say, but the correct answer, still remains - the “TIME”. Time will make me a better person and there is nothing in this world, which can not be healed by Time. So, I guess I have found my answer. Let me have a GOOD TIME now!

A drop in the ocean

Who I am, Why do I exist. What’s the significance of my existence. Just one girl. One another person among the zillions of living people on mother earth. Same views, same aspirations. Then, why do I think that all the things should happen as per my will. May be, again a very common human nature. Moments will keep changing our preferences. Today what seems of great value, tomorrow can be a dime a dozen. Human nature is fickle. No, may be, because there is nothing constant in the cosmos, that’s why we human are so fickle minded. But, may be only our behavior gets changed, but not the ‘Real self’. We remain our own self throughout our life. Only our preferences, life style, likes, dislikes, tastes keep changing, as we move through the journey called life. Oh why I was writing this passage, ...yeah because I was feeling very ordinary, common and insubstantial today. And as human nature is, just wanted to pour out my vague thoughts on the blog. It’s my diary, btw, that is open to all. I am happy being myself. But still, today I was feeling very ordinary, a drop in the ocean. Just a drop… in the wide ocean.

I am more experienced now

I am way too simple person. For I take things as they are being said or presented, when they are coming from a Friend. I mean how you can be skeptical when you are dealing with a friend. A Friend should behave like a friend. There can not be any third definition for a Friend. If a friend tells me something, then I would take the thing as it is. Either I would trust my friends or would not call them friends. But, now I have realized that, eyes can deceive. For the first time, I did not hear the sound advice of my Mind, and let myself get carried away by delusions. Because I was being fantasized by a Friend. Okay then, here comes the result – A Disastrous end of a Good Friendship.

Well for me, it was a good Friendship, which was the base for my trust, though I had never been fully convinced, but I did trust. I trusted because I was dealing with a Friend and I do trust my friends. Now either I call them my friends or I don’t trust them, as Friendship and Trust both go together.

Still, there is so much to learn from life. For sometime now, it seems as if my life is getting out of control. I have not been able to control things. Now, hopefully, things will be totally in control, as I have learnt the lesson. And every experience, good or bad, makes us a better person provided we take it positively. I, being the optimistic girl, take every thing positively. So, good news is that, now I am more experienced. Better luck next time!

Crucial Clarity

How important it is to have clarity in our thought process. If we don’t know what we are supposed to do, then we shall always find ourselves in an everlasting dilemma. The thing has to be clear. Sometimes as the time goes by, unwanted shadows tend to swathe our clearing understanding. What’s the best way to overcome this? May be, we should talk and understand, and for Heaven’s sake, should get the clarity. For quite some time, I have been craving for the Clarity content in my life too. Today I guess have got some clarity (thank goodness). Now feeling actually better. And one more thing. You can not get this clarity by talking to any body, who has all the time in the world for you, but it can only be achieved when you contact with the correct concerned person. On top of that, you can manage to discuss the correct point. Oh my goodness there is so much confusion exist in this world that to get clarity sometimes becomes such a big deal. Anyways, I need to learn many things. The major problem with me is, unless I discuss my doubts with the concerned person, I am not ready to accept the facts. I mean I have made this such a big deal, that even if all the facts can be seen as clear as day, still I would not accept it until the concerned person agrees! Oh oh, not a good sign. But this is only with the Most Important & Sensitive issues. Ummm still there are certain things that we need to do on our own. If I can see and understand things, loud & clear, and still make it a point to discuss it with the concerned person, before accepting it, then may be I need to mend my ways. Or may be I want to judge the rightness of my understanding! Okay then, I’ll try to bring clarity in my life as always, so that no room is left for any Unwanted Shadows! I’ll keep trying. I am good in trying, no? :P

On a bad day

Does beautiful time exist only in dreams. The time is not favorable. The people are harsh. The things are distasteful. Ah something is wrong somewhere. I am not feeling good from within. The light is fading. I am finding myself stuck in here. In the darkness. I am not able to see through. Mind is leaving me hopeless. Heart is beating too slow. Am I dying or having a nightmare. Oh all this is just not what I wanted. I am helpless. I am not in control. I am losing something. Something of great love and affection to me. Oh why ..why this is happening. Can someone just stop all this. Or let me close my eyes and never let them open. Do not want to see anything. Do not want to feel anything. Just want to evaporate. Just want to disappear in infinity. Want to merge into eternity. Want to forget everything. Oh I am so sad. I am not happy. I am …not…happy.

// I had saved this post on my PC. I don't remember when I wrote this but let me put it here, so that I know that there are times when I feel that way also :)

Any hope?

Positive attitude. Look forward and move ahead. Emotions are fundamental essence, for anything to call a ‘Living Being’. Emotions hurt. Emotions delight. And emotions are uncontrollable. That is why they are dangerous. But there is no way escaping them. Okay then be it like that. Yeah I was talking about ‘Positive attitude’. Never give negative direction to your thought process. Anything happens on the earth, happens for the best. If only one learns to keep a check on the apprehensive emotional attitude, life will become enjoyable experience. We tend to think wrong first and ignore the bright aspect. Why? Are we over protective, and want to stay prepared for the worst outcomes? Or this is just in human nature to expect all the bad things first and then wait for the future to unfold. When shall we learn to live in the present moment? Why do we forget to enjoy the present moment. Why are we so concerned about future (which is capricious) and why do we moan over past (which is irreversible). We know these facts. And still we waste our present in worrying about future and past. What a waste. What a waste I said. No, nothing can change us. We human beings are just unpredictable. Any degree of human intelligence, can not change the way human behaves. We just think, ponder over myriad of things and then get back to our lazy, carefree self. Ah, it is sad. If only I could find a way to change certain things, I would be the happiest person. But I am the same person, the same person who I have been throughout my life. Is there any hope? Can we have a hope? Oh yeah, at least, we can have a Hope! (thank goodness)

Birthday Girl Has A Long Way To Go!

It is my 25th birthday. And a good day to write something about me. How time flies. We tend to make many plans for our future, but what future holds for us, no one knows. Well this time around, I have taken some unusual decisions. I have decided something on the personal front, as I have always been concerned about my career, dreams, and blah blah, so this time I have taken some time out for my own self. I went on a date last Sunday for the first time. It was a total new and strange experience for me. To spend time with someone and try to understand him and understand my own self, was a good experience. I was nervous, but I wanted to have that new experience. So, I thought this time around I must go as time is slipping out of my hands and I need to have some experience too! I need to know things better and be more realistic rather than being caught in my weird imaginative world. My date was good and I had a very good time. Thank goodness, though I was hell nervous, things were still fine with both of us. Now how do I feel? Now I feel as if I can see through reality better, and if I have to decide something for my future then the same old logic still holds the truth. First, secure a well-established future and then other things can happen at the right time. Till then I want to gear up for the next challenges life keeps throwing at me. I hope I will be able to match the pace of time. And as they say, it’s always easy said than done, I do not want to speak only. I want to take actions and actions speak louder than words. I wish to take life more seriously and do my best to make it better for every body around. No more foolish decisions, no more imaginations! Just the Reality and my Life! Birthday Girl has a long way to Go !!

Going for the Good

I will be away for 16 days from now. I would like to spend my time in re-organising my self. I would not carry any burdensome baggage from the past. And I would move on. I have a long way to go. As I have been fighting with my fate and this fight does not seem to be ending anytime soon. I believe in myself and know for certain that my world is far better than what it seems at times. I have got the ability to think positive and understand things better. I feel fortunate that I hardly make wrong decisions. I need to build a new confidence in me and certainly have to start taking life more seriously. I am a bit carefree girl. I hardly take things seriously and do something meaningful. But if I do not cure my ways then I will lag behind. I have to match the pace of my efforts with the time. In the next few days, I just want to forget everything but the real goal of my life. I do not want to get married and settle down just for the sake of it. I want to live a meaningful life. And of course, I want more freedom. Freedom lets a person be her self. I am yearning for a “safe freedom”. I have many things to do. And I want to judge how far I would reach. I have to go now. I will be back. Hopefully, with loads of happiness and enthusiasm next time, as that’s what I am known for.

Control yourself

Sometimes even, I do not understand my mood swings. At this moment, I am full of excitement, joy and happiness and the next, I am sad, melancholic, and downhearted. I find this crazy. I find this out of my head. I just can not understand why I am so moved by my emotions. I am not that emotional type or at least I try not to be one (ehh God). Well my friends say, if I am in a good mood then I make the world more beautiful for everybody around. And if I am in a bad mood then, hell, I make the life hell for everybody around. But I do not like this. I want to keep control over my emotions. What would be the best way? Yoga? Meditation? Or some Dance / Music classes? May be I can just talk with my friends and feel better. But how can I find one idle friend to hear all my prattle. No no. I can’t do that with my friends. I should give them comfort and care rather than getting on their nerves ;). Then what else, may be I can just write down my thoughts here and feel better? Well, don’t know what would work best for my weird mood swings. But I got to keep control over my emotional, sensitive self. Let’s see to what extent I’ll get success.

Never Be an Emotional Fool

I have been an emotional fool from the very beginning of my life. My kind of people are difficult to deal with sometimes. And they even do not know which way to go as they are so much engaged with their own thoughts that they can not see through reality. It becomes difficult to understand the very intrigue nature of human beings. And my kind of people make it even worse. But the one thing, which I have decided today, is that I will never become an emotional fool. Meaning thereby I will always put my logical and intellectual side first and lead my life accordingly. It is not bad to be emotional sometimes. But it is always better to keep a check over the emotions, so that we can see through reality as clear as day. And that way we can always be safe from being an emotional fool. I had to make a choice and I have made it. Never Be an Emotional Fool.

Learn to give, not to expect

I want to learn to give and not to expect. Our expectations are the reasons of our miseries. Once learnt this unique way of living, can actually change our lives. Every time we meet someone, we develop certain expectations from them. We expect always high of our children, friends, peers and who not. We expect that life should give us more than what we deserve. Why don’t we look at the other side of the coin. What are we doing to them? Are we good in giving? Are we coming up to their expectations? Expectations. High and high expectations. We never look at our own self what are we giving to life? I want to learn to give and not to expect back anything. That’s the key to live a meaningful fulfilling congenial life. When we give a little peace of joy to someone, we feel blissful too! And when we only expect the same joy coming from someone else then, it becomes subjective. This is a tough lesson but by sheer determination, one can apply this in life. Will I be able to succeed? Can’t say. I try not to expect the best out of things happening around. But I do prepare myself for the worst. The mantra in my head was, “Expect the best, but Be prepared for the worst”. But how can one get prepared for the worst when one is expecting something best to happen? So either one should expect the worst and prepare for the same or vice versa. If we expect the worst then actually we are nurturing a Negative attitude within ourselves. And if we expect the Best then we find it difficult to prepare ourselves for the Worst. So what’s the solution? Well to my mind, I feel the better is “Not to expect”. But always be prepared to take on challenges life keeps throwing on us. Dream high but do not attach high expectation with them. Think positive but do not attach expectations with it. Do anything on earth but Do not attach Expectations with anything. Well that’s what I am feeling right now. Who knows what new lessons I learn tomorrow. One thing I would like to add here is, though we try to learn some simple rules to live better, but the fact is that we hardly can apply any hard and fast rules to ourselves. Human life is volatile, unpredictable, and full of surprises in every moment. So take every day as it comes. Okay now, so today I want to learn ‘To give & not to expect”!

A new way to look at life !

A distracted mind. A lazy mood swing. Procrastination. Uff. Enough is enough now. Let me look at my life from a different perspective now. Let me get a lil mature now. No more baby innocence! Learn some maturity and get serious about life. Time is running ahead of me. And I do not know how to catch up with it. A bit slow but a steady endurance will surely pay one day. Oh let me judge how good I am in keeping a check on my own self, or keeping myself within the boundary, which calls for discipline and dedication. We tend to give in to our sinful urges most of the time. But let me exercise this new control over myself. Again there is no harm in experiment. And my mind is really good at that! I remember one incident, when my computer teacher cited an example of a boy, who had dedicated himself completely for his career. What I still remember is one line out of that chap’s very inspirational story is “He forgot the world and worked hard to achieve his goals”. I find this line very encouraging and a guiding force. Well, I do not really know that by forgetting the world would guarantee the success. But one thing is certainly guaranteed, that one does his best to make it. The outcome may turn out to be anything, but the satisfaction of doing our best makes us a winner in any case! So why not I exercise the same. Though it is always easy said than done, but at least I should give it a try. What say?

Me or my Life?

I want to move beyond ups and downs of life. The life like a live wire will continue to push me up and down, but somehow, by virtue of my will power I want to move out of its traps. Beyond joys and melancholy. Beyond its extreme circumstances. Let’s see how far I shall succeed. It’s not easy. Really it’s not easy. I am a rather soft soul. Can hardly bear the rough side of life. But I’ll try to be neutral towards life. And will always be looking at the brighter side of life. Oh rather I should say that I’ll be partial towards life and keep looking at the brighter side of it. Because life is precious. And I do not want to waste my life in crying over things. Ha life is much more precious than wasting it over such things. I will enjoy my life and every moment of life. Hmm it’s my challenge to my life! I’ll love to see who wins, me or my life. Cheers !

A Reason for Celebration – ‘The Moments of Life’

Okay we all know life is ‘One time opportunity’. Time once gone will never come back. Then why do we spend the precious moments of life in grudging over things on which we hardly have any control. Why do we seek reasons or excuses to celebrate a moment, a day or for that matter a specific occasion? This life is a precious gift given to us by the Almighty God. And we should make most out of it. Well according to me, we must celebrate Each and Every Moment of life. Instead of looking for an excuse to celebrate, we should make that very moment itself a “Reason” or an “Excuse” to celebrate. If we have been given this very moment, then it has to be appreciated and we must make the most out of it. Now the question is ‘How?’ We human beings are not standardized. We have our own moments of likes and dislikes, happiness and sadness, dreams and hopes, inspirations and expectations. And we have our own unique way to celebrate our own precious moments of life. Each and Every moment is precious as it is unrecoverable. Once gone it will never come again. And it’s up to us to decide how we want to spend our life, our own precious moments of life. Every one has ‘Problems’ and ‘Pleasures’ in one’s life. Now what makes us unique from others is our own decision to move towards ‘Problems’ or ‘Pleasures’. So, In spite of tons of problems and tensions in my life too, I have chosen to celebrate each and every Moment of my life. I will move towards “Pleasures’ to make the life more meaningful and beautiful for everyone around. What ‘P’ have you chosen, “Pleasure’ or ‘Problem”?

Hey come on tell me right away.

The real winner

Times will keep changing. Good times. Bad times. Not so good or bad times. And then there are times when we do not know what to call them. The real winner is the one who does not get trapped in this. One who can always be the same person through all phases of life. My problem is that, like any other ordinary normal human being, I do get affected by ‘times’. There is an art lying beneath this phenomenon. Something is static. That specific static substance, we need to find out. That lies within us only. The extreme phases of our life trap us within them. We need to break our souls free from them. The real winner is the one who remains the same through all ups and downs and ‘all times’. Not an easy task but there is no bar in trying. Trying to attain this goal. I am trying. And will keep trying.

What is it?

Was giving sometime to my own self now. Life has become a rat race. Hardly get time to devote to my own self or meditate or to reflect upon my real needs. Suddenly life has become so short. Time is running so fast. Things seem to be getting out of my hands. Emotions are puzzling me to the extent of madness. May be this is the time to forget everything else and introspect. Need to close my eyes to see what my inner self is seeking. What is it? The real ultimate aim. Where I want to go and what is it I am yearning to achieve in life. May be in the hustle and bustle of life, I am forgetting my real needs. Real needs of my inner self. Okay then I’ll move slowly on and find it out what is it I am really pining for.

Forbidden Tear

Can I come out?
I can’t hold myself in here
If you don’t want me to come out
Then don’t look at them
Don’t think of them
Your mystifying apathy
Will keep me here
And wait
Don’t let your eyes stir
Lest I should come out
And be lost into eternity
You don’t want me to come out
Then just hold me back
Within your heart, safe in your eye
Don’t blink, else
I’ll fall down
And be lost into eternity
I am…
I am your ‘Secret pain’
Your ‘Hidden fear’
Don’t let me part away
I am your ‘Forbidden Tear’.

My Heart is Racing on

I have become a part of a race. Now what name you would like to give to this race. Race of Life? Race of Success? Race of Dreams? Race of Desires? Race of umm whatever name you give it. But a Race is on. And my heart is racing on. Let me see where my race will lead me to. I hope that would be a much better place than what I have been living until now. I hope that would be a much better face of my life. Hopes are alwasy high. Race is always on. I am Hoping high and Racing on. Through ups and downs, through thick and thin, through good and bad, this race is on. This race is always on. This Race. My race, oh my heart is racing on.

I have awakened

I was in a long slumber. I got to wake up now. If not now then ‘Never’. I am shocked. I am perplexed. But the only good thing happened to me recently is that I have woken up. Now there will be no looking back. What all I can see is Reality, reality in its pure real self and not disillusioned reflections of my imagination. The shock was indeed deep. It was a sudden jolt to my inner motionless self. I was distracted. I was blind. But not any more. I did a mistake. And I am tormented. But the good thing about that is I have gotten a chance to recover from it. At least my mistake was not so grave that otherwise would have left me hopeless or dead. What if my mistake would have been so grave that there would be no second chance? As they say, intelligent people learn from other’s mistakes. But I am not one of such intelligent people for I learn only by my own mistakes and sometimes this is a heart wrecking process. But still there is a good thing happened about it and that good this is, it gave me a chance to recover. To be awaken. To undo my mistake. To learn and add on my experience. To be strong enough to face the real hard world. Ahh it took me so long to awaken. But the good thing again is that I have woken up. Woken up from my long slumber.

Me and My Mood Swings

Today I am feeling a bit perplexed. Not an odd thing with me. I am quite upset with my own mood swings. Talked to my sister last night about it. Wanted to keep a check on my extreme mood swings. So let's see how long I'll be able to keep a check on it. I try to strike a balance in many things happening around me. But it's not possible to have a full control over all the thing happening around us. So it would be better to keep a control on our ownself. Atleast our own mind, body and soul ought to be in our control if nothing else! Though it is always easy said than done. There are times, when we try our best and still find things going out of our control. And sometimes we lose control over our own mind, body and soul too. Ahh scary situation. I try to avoid such moments. When I try to strengthen my inner self and end up losing all control over myself. But then we can always try. As I am a firm believer in "keep trying". So one day or another we will be bound to get what we have been starving for. What's more today, sometimes I guess or may be almost all the time, I think over all the serious stuff that may sound boring too. But then, you can afford to sound boring sometimes provided no one else is making you bore! Okay then enough for the day, shall try to write more and keep exploring my own complex head.