Going to get married

how time flies, soon i will be a married woman ! yes, two months to go and i am all set to marry with a guy of my choice :). I have been away from my blog, as i had these major changes expected in life. life has been such, we can never predict what our future holds for us. I am a bit apprehensive, a bit doubtful about my would be life, but still determined to enter into that unknown world for me. People know, there is nothing much to be worried about, but for a single girl, this seems a lot of change. i wish i will be happily married girl everafter....

Need to overcome my fears !

Hi, there are plenty of fears keep haunting me night and day. And i try so hard to overcome them unsuccessfully. If only i could find a way out to overcome such horrible fears lying deep down in my heart. but as they say, there is nothing we can't accomplish if we are determined. I am gonna work even harder from this point of my life and will surely overcome all of my fears one day. I always believe in never give up and i will never give up. I have a goal in life. I am not living aimless. So I must have to overcome my fears to reach out to my goals, my dreams. It's always good to have an aim in life and we must follow our heart to achieve our aim in life. The obstacles will be many and we must have to overcome all of them to be a winner in life !!

Want to learn something new everyday :)

Today, it seems life has become monotonic. Same routine with no change or new activities. So, I took a long breath and thought what I can do to make my life a better and more enjoyable experience. I have always been very fascinated by showbiz. If I can do something in that, but what? Maybe I can begin with joining some dancing/music classes. Acting is not my cup of tea, but I love music and dance. I have to continue with the routine job also to afford the other things in life. We can still follow our heart and chase our dreams. At least we should give it a try and never miss any opportunity to follow your dreams. But if I give a thought of my daily routine, it is pretty obvious that I am missing out on many things. Need to concentrate more on the goals, but the goals seem hazy from here. Have not been able to decide on many things. And time is just flying away.

Long time !!

So finally, have moved on and started learning quite a bit of modern corporate life !.. oh this is certainly not what I wanted ..:(... hate 'em ..well.. still a long way to go :). So what all I am doing nowadays..most of the time i keep myself busy, listen some good music and audio books (my newly found hobby), keep planning for future and sometimes feel in a very peculiar manner, just like the way i am feeling now !!

So what else, nothing special so far, just getting on with the new job and new people, still not satisfied..oh for that matter, i might never get satisfied, but keep longing for the better, as always :)..

Way to go... and i am just crawling on.. ah.. what to do..hmm need to move fast.. and fast and fast............and forget everything else :)

Cheers.. would keep writing more.. :)

Change for Good

How human disposition goes through radical changes sometimes. Perhaps one of the most intricate subjects is Human psychology. No one rule will apply in common. Okay today I have resolved to challenge my faculties to the maximum. I, being an easy going girl, tend to avoid challenging ways. I always choose the easiest, fastest, safest way possible. Such a disposition might get credit for its super safely approach, but it blocks many less trodden ventures which could turn into revolutionary phenomenon. But to take a first step towards the ventures which are fraught with numerous unimagined risks, needs a lot of guts with one focused approach. There is nothing in this world that is unattainable. You only have to accumulate your enormous human capacities and determination, and you can achieve anything you dream of. As the time goes by, we tend to change. Change is the only constant thing in cosmos. Change is good. Change is inevitable. Change is life :)

Reality or what?

It seems recent happenings have really influenced me deeply. Today, being in a rather composed self, have been able to come to this blog again after a long hiatus. It feels good to be back home. Yeah, this blog seems like a second home. Here I can pour out my heart freely. Because words keep flowing out and, my thoughts become clearer to me. A good way to reflect on one’s own recent past. Today though, a bit melancholy feeling is hovering somewhere back in my head, still I feel better to ponder over subtle issues which have been bothering me and for what I have not been able to find satisfying resolutions. A path, which is desired to be taken, goes out of sight suddenly and at that moment, I start feeling lost. Time passes away, a momentary jolt is felt and then, that desired path starts coming out of vague horizons again. Sometimes that feels like a mirage and the next moment, like an inescapable reality. Sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to perceive the difference between the two phenomenon. And I start feeling lost again. Here, I recollect a short story told by one of my friends, about a little butterfly, who when wakes up from her dreams, finds it difficult to perceive whether she was dreaming earlier or dreaming it now after waking up. Whether the reality is what we see or what we don’t see. Whether the reality is what we see during life or it is something we encounter after death. Oh it seems I have diverted the directions of my thoughts. Let me get back in the worldly sense again. Okay I have to clear two subjects on the coming Saturday, and then have to pass another important exam on 24th April, oh how can I forget to submit the project report to my college before the deadline, we are also planning to go on a shopping spree on Sunday, and did I forget to mention that I have to make a phone call to my best friend today…..my ‘things to do’ list seems endless. Is that what we refer to as ‘reality’ or it is something beyond our worldly senses? Well, I had better get back to work again before I start getting reminder calls. In the meantime, you all have a good time!

Clear Sky

Where is that clear sky,
I used to watch as a small fry
Where have gone, those days
When I used to chase, sunny rays
My heart is crying out
Searching for a clear clout
By the blurring tip of a muzzle
Ain’t able to solve this puzzle
Where is my burning desire
Why I am not, on the fire
What made me so sullen suddenly
Things started scaring me stubbornly
Haunting me up and down
Daunting me, making me moan
Where have I lost my moments of joy
Sweetest dreams and fantasy’s toy
Losing my peace and solace smile
In pursuing my dreams all the while
Somewhere, lost my right tunes
In chasing those blasé boons
I wish to dream one more time
Without caring for any more dime
If only I get to that mystic reply
How to reach that clear sky
I used to watch as a small fry

Bye Bye 2009

It’s time to say ‘Good bye’ to the Year 2009. Uhhh one whole year has passed again. Oh my goodness, it seems it passed in a split second. Well, okay let me recall how it had been for me. The beginning of this year was silky and cool. The mid of the year was full of excitements. I’ll cherish all the cheery memories of this wonderful year. The bad experiences were also encountered, but I will remember the good lessons I have learnt from them and all the bad memories will be vanished from my uber cool mind. The end was neither too good nor too bad, I would say it was rather dull, but that’s okay with me as I assume, all the time you can not be on Fire! Overall not a bad Year! Actually, my mind is so jam-packed right now that I am unable to recall all the things happened in this year. It’s always good to have your mind half empty so that you can absorb more knowledge. But uff, I am really not able to recall things properly. Okay let the past be a past and move on. Let us welcome ‘The Year 2010’. Wow I am already so excited about this beautiful new year. This is a year, which is going to be a turning point in my life. This is a kind of “do or die” year for me. As my studies will be finished, this year and then several new and exciting things are lined up to unfold. My family and I will again be on the two opposite directions! But let’s see who will win this cute battle this time. I love to look at life at its best. Life is beautiful. Love it, Enjoy it, Embrace it but never let it be wasted. Have an ever-wonderful year ahead!

Have a GOOD TIME

Oh how much I want to forget this world, and want to dedicate myself to the goals I have set before me. How much I want to remind myself that I have to look at the “Bull’s eye” only and forget everything else. Still there are so many residues in my head, inspite of trying real hard, I have not been able to clear them up. Everyday, I plan and re-plan, but can not follow it quite well. Have already missed two deadlines of some trivial assignments, some short-term goals, but it has started bothering me now. It seems time is running faster than I, and even though I have been trying my level best to catch up it’s pace, I find myself failing miserably. Still hope is there! Can see my deadlines vividly, but find it very difficult to accomplish them. Ah, there is something still clinging in my head, and I have not been strong enough to get rid of it. Even if my conscious mind swears to having understood the clear reality, my unconscious mind has not been able to break itself free from those disturbing shadows of unwanted truths. I am unable to find out an answer, how to remove those complicated residues from my unconscious mind. Sometimes, I feel, may be ‘yoga’ is the answer. As it relaxes our mind, body & soul and helps us in forgetting the complexities of life, but somehow I am not very sure of this Art too. The best thing would be to let this ‘TIME’ pass tranquilly and then gradually my unconscious mind will forget all the nagging doubts. Ah, but there lies the hitch - the ‘TIME’, TIME is running very fast and I have to match its pace! Alright, whatever I say, but the correct answer, still remains - the “TIME”. Time will make me a better person and there is nothing in this world, which can not be healed by Time. So, I guess I have found my answer. Let me have a GOOD TIME now!

A drop in the ocean

Who I am, Why do I exist. What’s the significance of my existence. Just one girl. One another person among the zillions of living people on mother earth. Same views, same aspirations. Then, why do I think that all the things should happen as per my will. May be, again a very common human nature. Moments will keep changing our preferences. Today what seems of great value, tomorrow can be a dime a dozen. Human nature is fickle. No, may be, because there is nothing constant in the cosmos, that’s why we human are so fickle minded. But, may be only our behavior gets changed, but not the ‘Real self’. We remain our own self throughout our life. Only our preferences, life style, likes, dislikes, tastes keep changing, as we move through the journey called life. Oh why I was writing this passage, ...yeah because I was feeling very ordinary, common and insubstantial today. And as human nature is, just wanted to pour out my vague thoughts on the blog. It’s my diary, btw, that is open to all. I am happy being myself. But still, today I was feeling very ordinary, a drop in the ocean. Just a drop… in the wide ocean.

I am more experienced now

I am way too simple person. For I take things as they are being said or presented, when they are coming from a Friend. I mean how you can be skeptical when you are dealing with a friend. A Friend should behave like a friend. There can not be any third definition for a Friend. If a friend tells me something, then I would take the thing as it is. Either I would trust my friends or would not call them friends. But, now I have realized that, eyes can deceive. For the first time, I did not hear the sound advice of my Mind, and let myself get carried away by delusions. Because I was being fantasized by a Friend. Okay then, here comes the result – A Disastrous end of a Good Friendship.

Well for me, it was a good Friendship, which was the base for my trust, though I had never been fully convinced, but I did trust. I trusted because I was dealing with a Friend and I do trust my friends. Now either I call them my friends or I don’t trust them, as Friendship and Trust both go together.

Still, there is so much to learn from life. For sometime now, it seems as if my life is getting out of control. I have not been able to control things. Now, hopefully, things will be totally in control, as I have learnt the lesson. And every experience, good or bad, makes us a better person provided we take it positively. I, being the optimistic girl, take every thing positively. So, good news is that, now I am more experienced. Better luck next time!

Crucial Clarity

How important it is to have clarity in our thought process. If we don’t know what we are supposed to do, then we shall always find ourselves in an everlasting dilemma. The thing has to be clear. Sometimes as the time goes by, unwanted shadows tend to swathe our clearing understanding. What’s the best way to overcome this? May be, we should talk and understand, and for Heaven’s sake, should get the clarity. For quite some time, I have been craving for the Clarity content in my life too. Today I guess have got some clarity (thank goodness). Now feeling actually better. And one more thing. You can not get this clarity by talking to any body, who has all the time in the world for you, but it can only be achieved when you contact with the correct concerned person. On top of that, you can manage to discuss the correct point. Oh my goodness there is so much confusion exist in this world that to get clarity sometimes becomes such a big deal. Anyways, I need to learn many things. The major problem with me is, unless I discuss my doubts with the concerned person, I am not ready to accept the facts. I mean I have made this such a big deal, that even if all the facts can be seen as clear as day, still I would not accept it until the concerned person agrees! Oh oh, not a good sign. But this is only with the Most Important & Sensitive issues. Ummm still there are certain things that we need to do on our own. If I can see and understand things, loud & clear, and still make it a point to discuss it with the concerned person, before accepting it, then may be I need to mend my ways. Or may be I want to judge the rightness of my understanding! Okay then, I’ll try to bring clarity in my life as always, so that no room is left for any Unwanted Shadows! I’ll keep trying. I am good in trying, no? :P

On a bad day

Does beautiful time exist only in dreams. The time is not favorable. The people are harsh. The things are distasteful. Ah something is wrong somewhere. I am not feeling good from within. The light is fading. I am finding myself stuck in here. In the darkness. I am not able to see through. Mind is leaving me hopeless. Heart is beating too slow. Am I dying or having a nightmare. Oh all this is just not what I wanted. I am helpless. I am not in control. I am losing something. Something of great love and affection to me. Oh why ..why this is happening. Can someone just stop all this. Or let me close my eyes and never let them open. Do not want to see anything. Do not want to feel anything. Just want to evaporate. Just want to disappear in infinity. Want to merge into eternity. Want to forget everything. Oh I am so sad. I am not happy. I am …not…happy.

// I had saved this post on my PC. I don't remember when I wrote this but let me put it here, so that I know that there are times when I feel that way also :)

Any hope?

Positive attitude. Look forward and move ahead. Emotions are fundamental essence, for anything to call a ‘Living Being’. Emotions hurt. Emotions delight. And emotions are uncontrollable. That is why they are dangerous. But there is no way escaping them. Okay then be it like that. Yeah I was talking about ‘Positive attitude’. Never give negative direction to your thought process. Anything happens on the earth, happens for the best. If only one learns to keep a check on the apprehensive emotional attitude, life will become enjoyable experience. We tend to think wrong first and ignore the bright aspect. Why? Are we over protective, and want to stay prepared for the worst outcomes? Or this is just in human nature to expect all the bad things first and then wait for the future to unfold. When shall we learn to live in the present moment? Why do we forget to enjoy the present moment. Why are we so concerned about future (which is capricious) and why do we moan over past (which is irreversible). We know these facts. And still we waste our present in worrying about future and past. What a waste. What a waste I said. No, nothing can change us. We human beings are just unpredictable. Any degree of human intelligence, can not change the way human behaves. We just think, ponder over myriad of things and then get back to our lazy, carefree self. Ah, it is sad. If only I could find a way to change certain things, I would be the happiest person. But I am the same person, the same person who I have been throughout my life. Is there any hope? Can we have a hope? Oh yeah, at least, we can have a Hope! (thank goodness)

Birthday Girl Has A Long Way To Go!

It is my 25th birthday. And a good day to write something about me. How time flies. We tend to make many plans for our future, but what future holds for us, no one knows. Well this time around, I have taken some unusual decisions. I have decided something on the personal front, as I have always been concerned about my career, dreams, and blah blah, so this time I have taken some time out for my own self. I went on a date last Sunday for the first time. It was a total new and strange experience for me. To spend time with someone and try to understand him and understand my own self, was a good experience. I was nervous, but I wanted to have that new experience. So, I thought this time around I must go as time is slipping out of my hands and I need to have some experience too! I need to know things better and be more realistic rather than being caught in my weird imaginative world. My date was good and I had a very good time. Thank goodness, though I was hell nervous, things were still fine with both of us. Now how do I feel? Now I feel as if I can see through reality better, and if I have to decide something for my future then the same old logic still holds the truth. First, secure a well-established future and then other things can happen at the right time. Till then I want to gear up for the next challenges life keeps throwing at me. I hope I will be able to match the pace of time. And as they say, it’s always easy said than done, I do not want to speak only. I want to take actions and actions speak louder than words. I wish to take life more seriously and do my best to make it better for every body around. No more foolish decisions, no more imaginations! Just the Reality and my Life! Birthday Girl has a long way to Go !!

Going for the Good

I will be away for 16 days from now. I would like to spend my time in re-organising my self. I would not carry any burdensome baggage from the past. And I would move on. I have a long way to go. As I have been fighting with my fate and this fight does not seem to be ending anytime soon. I believe in myself and know for certain that my world is far better than what it seems at times. I have got the ability to think positive and understand things better. I feel fortunate that I hardly make wrong decisions. I need to build a new confidence in me and certainly have to start taking life more seriously. I am a bit carefree girl. I hardly take things seriously and do something meaningful. But if I do not cure my ways then I will lag behind. I have to match the pace of my efforts with the time. In the next few days, I just want to forget everything but the real goal of my life. I do not want to get married and settle down just for the sake of it. I want to live a meaningful life. And of course, I want more freedom. Freedom lets a person be her self. I am yearning for a “safe freedom”. I have many things to do. And I want to judge how far I would reach. I have to go now. I will be back. Hopefully, with loads of happiness and enthusiasm next time, as that’s what I am known for.

Control yourself

Sometimes even, I do not understand my mood swings. At this moment, I am full of excitement, joy and happiness and the next, I am sad, melancholic, and downhearted. I find this crazy. I find this out of my head. I just can not understand why I am so moved by my emotions. I am not that emotional type or at least I try not to be one (ehh God). Well my friends say, if I am in a good mood then I make the world more beautiful for everybody around. And if I am in a bad mood then, hell, I make the life hell for everybody around. But I do not like this. I want to keep control over my emotions. What would be the best way? Yoga? Meditation? Or some Dance / Music classes? May be I can just talk with my friends and feel better. But how can I find one idle friend to hear all my prattle. No no. I can’t do that with my friends. I should give them comfort and care rather than getting on their nerves ;). Then what else, may be I can just write down my thoughts here and feel better? Well, don’t know what would work best for my weird mood swings. But I got to keep control over my emotional, sensitive self. Let’s see to what extent I’ll get success.

Never Be an Emotional Fool

I have been an emotional fool from the very beginning of my life. My kind of people are difficult to deal with sometimes. And they even do not know which way to go as they are so much engaged with their own thoughts that they can not see through reality. It becomes difficult to understand the very intrigue nature of human beings. And my kind of people make it even worse. But the one thing, which I have decided today, is that I will never become an emotional fool. Meaning thereby I will always put my logical and intellectual side first and lead my life accordingly. It is not bad to be emotional sometimes. But it is always better to keep a check over the emotions, so that we can see through reality as clear as day. And that way we can always be safe from being an emotional fool. I had to make a choice and I have made it. Never Be an Emotional Fool.

Learn to give, not to expect

I want to learn to give and not to expect. Our expectations are the reasons of our miseries. Once learnt this unique way of living, can actually change our lives. Every time we meet someone, we develop certain expectations from them. We expect always high of our children, friends, peers and who not. We expect that life should give us more than what we deserve. Why don’t we look at the other side of the coin. What are we doing to them? Are we good in giving? Are we coming up to their expectations? Expectations. High and high expectations. We never look at our own self what are we giving to life? I want to learn to give and not to expect back anything. That’s the key to live a meaningful fulfilling congenial life. When we give a little peace of joy to someone, we feel blissful too! And when we only expect the same joy coming from someone else then, it becomes subjective. This is a tough lesson but by sheer determination, one can apply this in life. Will I be able to succeed? Can’t say. I try not to expect the best out of things happening around. But I do prepare myself for the worst. The mantra in my head was, “Expect the best, but Be prepared for the worst”. But how can one get prepared for the worst when one is expecting something best to happen? So either one should expect the worst and prepare for the same or vice versa. If we expect the worst then actually we are nurturing a Negative attitude within ourselves. And if we expect the Best then we find it difficult to prepare ourselves for the Worst. So what’s the solution? Well to my mind, I feel the better is “Not to expect”. But always be prepared to take on challenges life keeps throwing on us. Dream high but do not attach high expectation with them. Think positive but do not attach expectations with it. Do anything on earth but Do not attach Expectations with anything. Well that’s what I am feeling right now. Who knows what new lessons I learn tomorrow. One thing I would like to add here is, though we try to learn some simple rules to live better, but the fact is that we hardly can apply any hard and fast rules to ourselves. Human life is volatile, unpredictable, and full of surprises in every moment. So take every day as it comes. Okay now, so today I want to learn ‘To give & not to expect”!

A new way to look at life !

A distracted mind. A lazy mood swing. Procrastination. Uff. Enough is enough now. Let me look at my life from a different perspective now. Let me get a lil mature now. No more baby innocence! Learn some maturity and get serious about life. Time is running ahead of me. And I do not know how to catch up with it. A bit slow but a steady endurance will surely pay one day. Oh let me judge how good I am in keeping a check on my own self, or keeping myself within the boundary, which calls for discipline and dedication. We tend to give in to our sinful urges most of the time. But let me exercise this new control over myself. Again there is no harm in experiment. And my mind is really good at that! I remember one incident, when my computer teacher cited an example of a boy, who had dedicated himself completely for his career. What I still remember is one line out of that chap’s very inspirational story is “He forgot the world and worked hard to achieve his goals”. I find this line very encouraging and a guiding force. Well, I do not really know that by forgetting the world would guarantee the success. But one thing is certainly guaranteed, that one does his best to make it. The outcome may turn out to be anything, but the satisfaction of doing our best makes us a winner in any case! So why not I exercise the same. Though it is always easy said than done, but at least I should give it a try. What say?